my Ramadhan so far

i stumbled across an article re-posted by wardina:

What i Learned about Ramadhan

i read it and tears came to my eyes.

either it's hormonal or i truly feel it.

i'd go with Im truly feeling it.

you see, i was scared to enter Ramadhan. i dont hate Ramadhan, hell no!

instead i have always looked forward to it.

the feeling of being closer to Him, to give everything that i can to Him in 

the Holy month. 

i used to be able to Qhatam al-Quran in less than 30 days.

make tarawikh every night. (almost)

just love the serenity that comes with it.

but not this year.

i was scared. scared that i may not give the best that i can to Him.

truthfully, i am so exhausted. extremely exhausted. 

it has only been 6 ramadhan and i have missed 2 days of fasting.

i coudnt take the exhaustion and the uneasy feelings that are creeping inside me.

so, let me talk about how tired i am being pregnant and having a toddler.

fasting during weekend is supposed to be relatively easier than during 

the weekdays cos i can just stay at home and sleep all day.

nope. 

i couldnt do that.

Ayra wants more. 

she wants me.

she wants me to cuddle her, nurse her, play with her.

i need to cook for her (which i enjoy so much), 

be patience for all the mess she made,

etc.

she likes eating on her own and mix whatever she's eating with her drink.

like oreo and orange juice

or pour yogurt onto the floor and make an art out of it.

picasso in the making!

 of even mix carrot and cauliflower into ABC.

she's a masterchef in the making.

too bad mommy does not have all the energy to be thrilled.

now back to anticipating Ramadhan..

so far.. it hasnt been that much of an anticipation.

when i get back from work, we would prepare for iftar.

after iftar, pray maghrib, and i have to put Ayra to sleep.

thank Allah, she sleeps early!

and during which, i will recite Quran while putting her to bed.

if i was too tired, i fell asleep too.

i only wake up later to pray on my own, and by that time

i was half asleep and everything is done without much anticipation.

solat cukup syarat, then off to bed.

i feel horrible!

i do.

i dont know how else can i boost up my energy.

and my body easily angin. 

when angin, i got dizzy and need to lie down and rest.

if i dont rest, i vomit.

like yesterday.

i was in a car ride for too long, that i vomited.

it didnt nullify my fast as it was unintentional.

it happened 2 hours pre iftar.

takkanla nk buka. sia-sia jer.

so i waited helplessly.

and when iftar came, i eat a lot and as soon as after magrib prayer,

i vomited out every single thing that i ate.

and that's the end.

it left me feeling wrecked. 

i dont know what else can i do so Ramadhan is 

fully utilized.

i encouraged Hub to go to Surau for prayers so i can benefit from them too.

but as for my part... i will try to do as much as i can whenever i can.