i am not a minion

I had to attend a 3 days course for training under the insurance company. 

it was a compulsory course, so i really had no choice. 

unfortunately, the 1st day that i attended the course was also the first day Amna fell sick. 

She has contracted it from Ayra, who fell sick few days earlier. 

They showed the exact same symptoms: vomitting, peristently high fever and they said their neck is painful.

we assumed it's the throat? we have brought Ayra to the doctor and doc diagnosed her with stomach flu. which was caused by virus. so it will eventually resolve on its own.

but it was sad that Amna had to fall sick when I wasn't around. 

both my parents in law came to help with the children. 

But Amna was very clingy and she only wanted to hug her Nena instead.

i felt so bad for not being able to attend to her. poor girl.

the course took long hours. from 9 am till 7pm. imagine that. and it was conducted in KL, which is far far away from where i live. i had to go through massive traffic jams on the way to and fro. 

i went to the course with an open mind, with no big expectation at all. furthermore, i only had my girls in mind.. i could not wait to get home. i was worried about Amna, who was vomitting all day, and Amal who refused to drink EBM as much as she needed to. basically, i was restless. 

i reached home at about 8pm.

being me, of course i just had to clean the kitchen, and whatever that i felt necessary. then the kids, etc. 

what pissed me off was that we were given task by the trainer, to be submitted the next morning. 

we had to write down 100 names and contact number on a book given and submit it the next early morning.

plus, an online exam to be passed and notified to the trainer the next day.

can u imagine being tired after going through the traffic, and cleaning up, and breast feeding, and attending to your sick child, but u need to do the tasks anyway?

well. i decided to sleep on it. i had migraine and i could not function.

the next day, while listening to the course, i wrote down whatever names from my phone, as fast as i could, with few empty boxes in few pages. i decided to skip few rows just because. 

i mean, who would really check right? there were about 60-70 of participants and it was just training purpose. so, i handed it in and let it be. i really could not care less.

come the final day, which was today, the trainer decided to return us back the book. 

but, he made it interesting by calling out one by one and pointed out the issues.

few sent in with fewer than 100 names. they were called sort of lazy. they were sort of accused of bringing down the agency/ company and that they are not reliable etc. 

at that time, i was ready for my name to be called. cause, well, i did leave few boxes empty. 

but suprisingly, my name was not there.

the trainer then went on with those who managed to follow the instruction by giving 100 names, and 120 names and giving prizes etc. praising them for their effort and giving 100% in the project. 

then he pulled out a book and mentioned my name.

in front of the whole class.

he said that i filled in the whole book, but i cheated my way out.

i left many boxes empty, that he doubted i gave 100 at all. 

he said something like i cheat my way up. and that i was looking for an easy way out.

that it was dangerous that i was hitting the target but using the wrong way.

basically, it felt like he was summarizing my personality, based solely on a stupid task, in front of the whole room full of people. i was humiliated. i was embarrassed.

only god knows how i felt. like i wanted to go invisible. 

i wanted to explain on why i did it that way, but i decided he was not worth the fight. 

im afraid if i started it, i will be rude and created a tension. 

so i smiled and kept my head down.

i texted Sima and kept the tears away. 

when the session was over, i went to the car and cried. 

i decided to go home and defaulted the evening session.

lantakla if i was considered absent. honestly, i could not care less. 

i am not a minion.

when i could not follow the instruction, it simply means that i prioritize my things. 

for this particular task, and with what i had to go through the day and night before, that task was the least important of all. i rather attended my baby and sleep rather than filling up 100 names for a task. 

there is a reason why i do this on a part time basis. 

because i have other priority in my life. 

and this is the least important of all.

because my sick child is more important and i am more important.

what's the point of staying up late at night just to fill in that 100 boxes for names and telephone numbers when i was having migraine and risk of being sleepy and driving in sleepiness the next day?

really, worth it? no.

i do agree that i am at fault for not giving 100% as requested, but being mature adult, in a so called proffessional field, by all means, he could have called me one on one and ask me.

like an adult. 

not judging me in front of the whole room full of strangers.

i am not your minion, not the company's minion, not anybody's minion.

i can only be Allah's servant and that's it.

this really bugs me. it made me cry. it traumatized me.

i am so sad that we were taught this in this industry. 

i know not all trainers are like this, but still, it only gave this a bad impression.

he kept on saying that he was making it tough for us because this job is tough and the real world is even tougher. you see, i know that. i do. but, for me, who is doing this on a part time basis, with the intention of helping and educating people, rather than making sales, i can always to choose to walk away or back off it the world is putting shit on me. i can always choose. 

god, i am mad, and sad, and most of all embarrassed. 

i kept on playing the scene in my mind and what'if scenes too.

what if i say this, or that.

this is not worth it. 

i will now focus more on Lil' Tummy.

when you need to tegur someone for their mistakes, we must do it in discreet. because we do not want that person to be embarrassed, humiliated. 

does it hurt so much when one is being polite ot the other?