1st Year Survival of At Home MOM

It will be my 1^st year anniversary as a Work/Stay At Home Mom. Oh gosh I have a lot to share about, on what to expect, the feelings, how to cope, etc. And this will be a long one so bear with me ait?

What to expect?

Laziness/tiredness..  you call it lazy, I call it TIRED la wei.

For about the first 3 months, I felt..lazy. All I wanted to do was being lazy. But that was because I was heavily pregnant, I was in my third trimester. Hahaha that explains the laziness right? I wanted to do a lot, well at least my mind was not lazy. But the energy was mostly used by the baby in the womb.

After Amal was born, I concentrated on taking care of her, with breastfeeding and constant napping. It drained the energy out of me. I was thankful though that I didn’t have to rush in to work cause I would be sad to leave Amal behind. Just like what I felt when it was with Ayra and Amna.

Despite the perk of having to be there all the time for Amal, I was/am exhausted. All freaking time. I was lacking good sleep (for almost 5 years now), tired of ensuring the house is clean and tidy. I am neat freak, so I cannot see serabutness in the house, you know.

However, I am glad that we have Livy the Vacum Robot. I would be crazy without her, seeing hairs and dusts on the floor. Haha at least with Livy, I just need to switch her on and she will do the job. We will do the extensive cleaning once in 2 weeks. So that spares us a lot of energy and time.

Exhausted… the extreme of tiredness

Being home most of the time, with 3 under 5 children are really exhausting. It exhausts you physically and mentally. By physically, I’m sure you (the ones with toddlers) can understand how tired it is to attend to the needs of these children. I need to make sure breakfast, lunch and dinner are ready. On top that, don’t forget snacks. These kids love snacking. Plus, unhealthy snacks are a no-no. Though I fail that most of the times. Seriously, where can I get the extra time and energy to prepare our own healthy snacks? Thank god for frozen!

Mentally exhausted is another thing that fails me every time. You are at home, with the eldest being almost 5. What kind of intellectual conversation are you expecting? Most of the time is about Rainbow Dash and Sunshine Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle and Flutter Shy. Then it would be dinosaurs and horses, and fairies and princesses. The only time I get to stimulate my brain is when we are studying math or reading. That is a different level of patience hahahaha. It doesn’t help either that I have this sickness of overthinking. I cannot stop my brain from thinking about our financial, the schools, the education, the business, how to go about. I guess that drained out my brain even faster.

Privacy. What is that again?

I miss my me time. The time that I can have when I was at work. It doesn’t have to be a spa or a massage session. A ME time is a quiet time that I can have on my own doing whatever I want. I hardly get that anymore. Previously when I was at work, I usually had lunch in my room, while continuing working, or doing things I want to do. Surfing internet, checking out online shopping and stuffs. Or get out and hit the mall, just walking alone. That me time. Oh god I miss that. Now? Now I cant even pee in peace. Even if I lock the door, they still come knocking or yelling my name and asking me questions. “Mommy, how to spell dinosaur?” “ mommy, whatpe tu?” “mommy, amna hungry”. “mommy, amal is eating the playdoh!” How come they don’t kacau the father?????

Cold War

When your body is tired, and your brain is drained, you will end up being moody. Almost all the time. And it makes you even crazier when you see your partner gets to spend time with his friends at work, or be in his own zone even for an hour or so. At least he gets to do it daily. You get this ‘meluat’ feeling and you start to get pissed off easily by whatever he is doing. I’ve been there and we have resolved that. When that hits you, you need to talk to your spouse asap. Do not let it bottled up. You will end up hurting your children easily. You get irritated easily and scold them for the smallest reason. I am guilty of that and god I wish I don’t have to go down that road again. It is scary for me, and my family. Sometimes I am more a momster than a mommy. Hahaha Now don’t get me wrong, respect to the Husband is there. It’s just you cannot comprehend things positively when you are beyond exhaustion, mentally and physically. Too many frustrations. So that is why communication on your expectations, etc is important.

Insecure

When you were once an employee, (highly paid lagi tu) and now you stay at home with no pay, you will become extremely insecure. I am not talking about insecurity towards your husband, just insecure as a whole. You don’t get to spend money like before. You want something, you gotta check your purse and calculate. You pause and breathe in and walk away. You don’t have savings and that scares the shit out of you for what ifs. I get that almost on daily basis even up till now. One day, after solat, I confided in HIM on what I feel etc. I felt lost. I cried my eyes out. I prayed to Allah to ease my way. I opened the Quran and I believe He showed me the story of Prophet Musa. The page showed me the story of when Paraoh ordered for baby boys to be killed out of fear of the prophecy. Musa’s mom was so scared. She put him in a boat and sailed him. But Allah assured her that he will be returned to her.

                                      

This verse taught me to have faith in Allah. Have faith in Allah. Have faith in Allah. Dua, and work on it. Work on whatever I can work on. Keep on praying. Rest assured Allah has things worked out for us. Just have faith. And so, whenever I feel insecure, I feel down, I feel lost, especially financially, I remembered this story. So, if you feel lost on something, doa and pray to Allah. Talk to Him cause He is always listening. Then open the Quran to find the answer.

Seems like i am rambling more on the bad sides rather than the good ones kan? hahha

well, not everything is bad! be positive!

Stick like a glue

Your children will be more attached to you and you end up falling in love with them over and over again. Even though they just scream their lungs out at each other just now. Or they pick their poo from their diaper. And scattered their shit on the bed. Literally. And at times when they had nothing to do, hanging on your leg will be an activity. Just for fun. (but not for you when you need to do works)

Time is gold

Though it may seem like I have all the time in the world, trust me, that was just illusion. It’s Monday today, and suddenly it’s Monday again. When I was about to appreciate the weekends, Monday comes and plays the blues. I have all the things that I want to do for the week, then something comes up and bye bye list. We see you next week. That is one of the reasons for Lil’ Tummy not moving (or perhaps my excuse). the perks is you get to plan your day/week ahead (and pray that your plan sticks). I dont have to worry when Amal is hospitalized cause work is not asking me to be in the office. My time is devoted totally to her wellbeing. and that makes me a better mom. You get to plan for lunch with your ex-colleague, or dates with your daughther. and God is generous, He eases your way to it.  

                                             

                                                 

Love Overloads

My time is mostly spent on the kids (duh). I get to know my children more. I get to follow closely their development. I get to bring Amna to her physiotherapy sessions without guilt (work waiting in the office), I get to do exercise with her (though not on daily basis). Amna loves imitating my yoga moves, so it helps her to stretch her muscles and use her left limbs more. Ayra gets to come home from school to mommy’s cooking. We get to go on dates, just the two of us. One day is spent just me and Amna, and other day is spent just me and Ayra. We get to have our own private conversation, eat ice cream and be silly. I love that.

Healthier lifestyle (or so I believe)

I try to do Yoga at least once a week (but don’t take my word for it), eat healthy, cook healthy, gardening, etc. I need my family to eat healthily. We hardly dine out anymore. First, it can be costly, second, it can be dirty. Or unhealthy. We cannot buy health, but we can prevent unwanted side effects from happening. Diseases start from the gut: diabetes, heart diseases, kidney failure. So, what we now will have its effect 20 years later. So in order to be healthy in the next 20 years, we have to eat right, right now. I cant however be this conscious everyday. I am a human after all. So we do skip a bit once or twice. But drink lots of water, and balance out with veges and fruits.

Own Business Empire (Bahaha)

Now it may seem cool to able to start your own business, with your own brand etc. but my god, it is so hard to be persistent! I have things planned out, A to Z, but execution is really killing me! To juggle family, which is always always my priority, and business is really hard. The most frustrating part is marketing. I have laid the plan, how to do it, etc. I dont habe a partner to push me and work togehther. plus I don’t have much time to do so. I guess I need to take things one step at a time and not to have so much hope kot. 

So basically, there are ups and downs of being at home mom. What you need is strength (mentally and physically), support system, team work, and what I find important but easily missed is: ME time. This is crucial. Just take the time off. Don’t over think. Do what you want for 2 hours, alone. Go out with friends, laugh. That little things help you sane.

Don’t I miss having my own job? Oh YES I do. At times I feel like I am a better mom if I am working. I would less of a momster, and more on a mother.

So where do I go from here? I will let Allah set the road for me. I have my aims, but the road will be set by Allah. I do what I can and the rest is up to Him. I am always open to possibilities. 

Till then, please give me lots of coffee, cakes, and your prayers.

i am not a minion

I had to attend a 3 days course for training under the insurance company. 

it was a compulsory course, so i really had no choice. 

unfortunately, the 1st day that i attended the course was also the first day Amna fell sick. 

She has contracted it from Ayra, who fell sick few days earlier. 

They showed the exact same symptoms: vomitting, peristently high fever and they said their neck is painful.

we assumed it's the throat? we have brought Ayra to the doctor and doc diagnosed her with stomach flu. which was caused by virus. so it will eventually resolve on its own.

but it was sad that Amna had to fall sick when I wasn't around. 

both my parents in law came to help with the children. 

But Amna was very clingy and she only wanted to hug her Nena instead.

i felt so bad for not being able to attend to her. poor girl.

the course took long hours. from 9 am till 7pm. imagine that. and it was conducted in KL, which is far far away from where i live. i had to go through massive traffic jams on the way to and fro. 

i went to the course with an open mind, with no big expectation at all. furthermore, i only had my girls in mind.. i could not wait to get home. i was worried about Amna, who was vomitting all day, and Amal who refused to drink EBM as much as she needed to. basically, i was restless. 

i reached home at about 8pm.

being me, of course i just had to clean the kitchen, and whatever that i felt necessary. then the kids, etc. 

what pissed me off was that we were given task by the trainer, to be submitted the next morning. 

we had to write down 100 names and contact number on a book given and submit it the next early morning.

plus, an online exam to be passed and notified to the trainer the next day.

can u imagine being tired after going through the traffic, and cleaning up, and breast feeding, and attending to your sick child, but u need to do the tasks anyway?

well. i decided to sleep on it. i had migraine and i could not function.

the next day, while listening to the course, i wrote down whatever names from my phone, as fast as i could, with few empty boxes in few pages. i decided to skip few rows just because. 

i mean, who would really check right? there were about 60-70 of participants and it was just training purpose. so, i handed it in and let it be. i really could not care less.

come the final day, which was today, the trainer decided to return us back the book. 

but, he made it interesting by calling out one by one and pointed out the issues.

few sent in with fewer than 100 names. they were called sort of lazy. they were sort of accused of bringing down the agency/ company and that they are not reliable etc. 

at that time, i was ready for my name to be called. cause, well, i did leave few boxes empty. 

but suprisingly, my name was not there.

the trainer then went on with those who managed to follow the instruction by giving 100 names, and 120 names and giving prizes etc. praising them for their effort and giving 100% in the project. 

then he pulled out a book and mentioned my name.

in front of the whole class.

he said that i filled in the whole book, but i cheated my way out.

i left many boxes empty, that he doubted i gave 100 at all. 

he said something like i cheat my way up. and that i was looking for an easy way out.

that it was dangerous that i was hitting the target but using the wrong way.

basically, it felt like he was summarizing my personality, based solely on a stupid task, in front of the whole room full of people. i was humiliated. i was embarrassed.

only god knows how i felt. like i wanted to go invisible. 

i wanted to explain on why i did it that way, but i decided he was not worth the fight. 

im afraid if i started it, i will be rude and created a tension. 

so i smiled and kept my head down.

i texted Sima and kept the tears away. 

when the session was over, i went to the car and cried. 

i decided to go home and defaulted the evening session.

lantakla if i was considered absent. honestly, i could not care less. 

i am not a minion.

when i could not follow the instruction, it simply means that i prioritize my things. 

for this particular task, and with what i had to go through the day and night before, that task was the least important of all. i rather attended my baby and sleep rather than filling up 100 names for a task. 

there is a reason why i do this on a part time basis. 

because i have other priority in my life. 

and this is the least important of all.

because my sick child is more important and i am more important.

what's the point of staying up late at night just to fill in that 100 boxes for names and telephone numbers when i was having migraine and risk of being sleepy and driving in sleepiness the next day?

really, worth it? no.

i do agree that i am at fault for not giving 100% as requested, but being mature adult, in a so called proffessional field, by all means, he could have called me one on one and ask me.

like an adult. 

not judging me in front of the whole room full of strangers.

i am not your minion, not the company's minion, not anybody's minion.

i can only be Allah's servant and that's it.

this really bugs me. it made me cry. it traumatized me.

i am so sad that we were taught this in this industry. 

i know not all trainers are like this, but still, it only gave this a bad impression.

he kept on saying that he was making it tough for us because this job is tough and the real world is even tougher. you see, i know that. i do. but, for me, who is doing this on a part time basis, with the intention of helping and educating people, rather than making sales, i can always to choose to walk away or back off it the world is putting shit on me. i can always choose. 

god, i am mad, and sad, and most of all embarrassed. 

i kept on playing the scene in my mind and what'if scenes too.

what if i say this, or that.

this is not worth it. 

i will now focus more on Lil' Tummy.

when you need to tegur someone for their mistakes, we must do it in discreet. because we do not want that person to be embarrassed, humiliated. 

does it hurt so much when one is being polite ot the other? 

My Many Hats

I have so many hats to put on lately.

Family (Wife and Mom) Hat, Pharmacist Hat, Mumpreuner Hat, Chef Hat and..

I have an additional Hat to be worn from now on: Wealth Planner Hat a.k.a Takaful Agent Hat.

Surprise!!

Say what?? 

Ok, firstly, let me clear out the air on why I am now a takaful agent for PruBSN.

You see, I have resigned from my so-called corporate life to focus on my family, and to discover things that I feel can benefit me in so many ways.

I was done with being under appreciated employee, busting my ass off and ended up hurting.

I was done with working under bosses who are..well,..bosses. not leaders. 

basically, I was done.

my pregnancy only helped to strengthen my decision.

I have always wanted to focus on my family more than the stresses working life: endless.

I wanted something more.

by that i mean continuous pahala, financial freedom, continuous education.

something that can give meaning to life.

Money is of course the basic life necessity. without money, u can hardly do anything!

but i dont want to be slave to money. it will never end. what would life be if it's all about the money?

I wanted something more. something I love, something i can learn, something i can contribute.

I love the idea of having my own business, but let's face it, it is not easy as A B C.

there are many steps to it, and the journey will have ups and downs.

When I wanted to do Lil' Tummy, I didnt put so much expectations, but leave it to Allah definitely. 

Tawakal, and usaha as much as i can. I wanted it cos I want somethng that can relate to what i love: cooking and children. (not cooking children ye! )

so, the journey started and Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah, it may be small, but at least He has shown me the way. I am continuing this journey. but i need something else.

whilst setting up Lil' Tummy, I stumbled upon the profession of Wealth planner from my agent.

one research to the another, i came to my long long friend, back when we were doing housemanship.

he is now an agent and he loves what he is doing.

I learnt that this gives me the flexibility in time, passive income, continuous learning and we can contribute to the society. 

it is always important to educate the society on proper wealth management and to prioritize needs. 

long story short, I passed the exams and I am now the takaful agent for PruBSN. 

Allah has eased my path.

I have my challenges though: I am not an extrovert. I am not persuasive. 

I dont know how to persuade people, I dont like to hassle people.

 and I dont know how to handle rejections. 

but looking at the positive sides, life is a challenge. I'm doing this to make myself better. to upgrade my capabilities and open up possibilities.

after all, life is dull if one keeps on sitting on the couch kan?

add some spices and herbs y'all.

I dont aim to close case. I aim to educate. really, honestly, if I didnt take the exams, (and read the books), if I didnt go the classes and discussions, I would not know the things I know now, even though we have subscribed to takaful years before. 

Takaful is just more than buying a medical card and claim.

I am wiser I guess. in that area. 

alhamdulillah.

at least my family is informed with what i know.

I hope with this, I can genuinely contribute to the society and may this be my way of obtaining my goals of financial freedom, continuous pahala and life long learning.

so people, please dont run away from me!

I am still me okay.

I have always loved helping people, and if u ever need something to clarify or to ask, you can ask me. I will do my best to help.