Settling for Mediocrity

I flipped through the TV channels and stumbled upon Mad Max: Fury Road. The one with Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron in. I never watched it and I didn't know what it was about. There was a scene when one of the bad people told his boss that he would get the person they are chasing for and that the boss will reward him with something something. He then jumped on the big truck and his metal chain got stuck on the roof of the truck. He fell down and his boss said: Urggghh another mediocre.

That scene somehow left me thinking. Am I just a mediocre? Will that I ever be despite my dreams and vision? But then, is it bad to be an average?

Well, there is no right or wrong in this. If you are content to be where you are and that life is great the way it is, then it is for you. If you feel like you can do more, contribute more, impact more, then you may want to put being just mediocre out of your options.

But, we also have to understand that we cannot be great at everything. Most of the times, we may be great at a thing, or 2 things. One can be great in climbing a corporate ladder, but he or she may be just a mediocre in being a parent. Then I guess, pick your priority?

I have spent the past 10 years creating diversity in my resume. Being a pharmacist, I am able to explore different pharmacy-related fields, and of course I did my very best in each and every one. I have explored different portfolios and I know what I don't like and what I may consider further.

I am now 35 years old. I am not getting any younger. I am now ready to focus in something and be more than average. But the big Question is WHAT?

I think I can be a good leader, but corporate field is not my forte. I can deliver, but I don't like the purely profit driven that I had to succumb to at the end of the month; to fulfill the desires of the directors, the shareholders. Based on my experience, these people can never have enough. They always want more. Well, that is human nature. But if we cannot control that desire, we only create a greedy monster who no longer have good intentions. It will be about us being 'more, more, more'.

I have been reading a lot, and I noticed that I have been buying a lot of motivational and psychological books. I am not depressed (not that I am aware of as of today), but the mind is intriguing, isn't it? I have three beautiful daughters and I want to be able to be a good example and role model to them. I believe by understanding the emotion, the mind and people, I may able to do so (well, at least I try?).

One area that never left my heart is doing charity. Back in Uni times, we used to organize a lot of activities that I believe help a lot of underprivileged. I miss those times. I have not been able to do it ever since due to work, family etc. Excuses? perhaps. I dont know.

Lil' Tummy was created with the intention to help underprivileged babies with good food. I did not manage to follow through due to a lot of factors like my kids we much younger then, the lack of knowledge and motivation and support and financial issues. Getting back to work is much easier.
Nonetheless that piece of me was never been buried. Selalu teringat to go back tapi.. there's always a 'tapi'.

So this time around, I need to plan properly, effectively, step by step. Work can be shitty as hell, but if I have a different goal in mind, work can just be work. I have something to look forward to once I am ready to leave to embark on the journey full-time.

This is the time I will learn more on leadership, speaking and content writing, find out more on target population and the services or products to deliver, to solve or to bridge the gap identified in the society.

I am not imagining it as an easy path. But I am glad that I have found a friend who shares the same passion and slowly, we shall do this.

2++ Years of Silence

As soon as I started the working life (post WAHM), I became absolutely busy that blogging was not even listed anywhere in my mind. I had to concentrate in my new life, new industry, new colleagues, new challenges. It was a struggle, but one that made a better, wiser person I guess.

Today. I decided to get back to it: the blog. Work has became a priority that I had lost sight of what matters to my being. And by being, I am referring to the sanity of my mind and serenity of my soul. Family of course always comes first, then there is work. Then there is no other thing to keep me sane. So, slowly I am going crazy (not literally I hope!)

Recently we had a new corporate change in the company I am working in. Nothing like the previous one I worked with, but it did make me off balance. Suddenly I lost the sight of where I want to go, or who I want to be, in terms of my career. Do I want to climb that corporate ladder and someday lead the department? Do I want to go down that path again?

I can say out-loud that I don't want to. That it was enough. That I just want to do what I am doing and be good, be passionate about it. That I am a learner who wants to learn as much as I could. However, why do I feel differently when someone else stepped in? Why do I feel like the future is bleak? That kicks me off: I am now uncertain.

I still don't know what I want to do, where I want to go with the current role that I have at my work place. But, writing has always been what I like doing. It is a way I put jumbling thoughts out and de-clutter my brain. So, let's go back to where I can be sane: here.

A lot of things happened, so I will put them into words, in time. A part of therapy to get over the drama that I could not change.

Till then.

i am not a minion

I had to attend a 3 days course for training under the insurance company. 

it was a compulsory course, so i really had no choice. 

unfortunately, the 1st day that i attended the course was also the first day Amna fell sick. 

She has contracted it from Ayra, who fell sick few days earlier. 

They showed the exact same symptoms: vomitting, peristently high fever and they said their neck is painful.

we assumed it's the throat? we have brought Ayra to the doctor and doc diagnosed her with stomach flu. which was caused by virus. so it will eventually resolve on its own.

but it was sad that Amna had to fall sick when I wasn't around. 

both my parents in law came to help with the children. 

But Amna was very clingy and she only wanted to hug her Nena instead.

i felt so bad for not being able to attend to her. poor girl.

the course took long hours. from 9 am till 7pm. imagine that. and it was conducted in KL, which is far far away from where i live. i had to go through massive traffic jams on the way to and fro. 

i went to the course with an open mind, with no big expectation at all. furthermore, i only had my girls in mind.. i could not wait to get home. i was worried about Amna, who was vomitting all day, and Amal who refused to drink EBM as much as she needed to. basically, i was restless. 

i reached home at about 8pm.

being me, of course i just had to clean the kitchen, and whatever that i felt necessary. then the kids, etc. 

what pissed me off was that we were given task by the trainer, to be submitted the next morning. 

we had to write down 100 names and contact number on a book given and submit it the next early morning.

plus, an online exam to be passed and notified to the trainer the next day.

can u imagine being tired after going through the traffic, and cleaning up, and breast feeding, and attending to your sick child, but u need to do the tasks anyway?

well. i decided to sleep on it. i had migraine and i could not function.

the next day, while listening to the course, i wrote down whatever names from my phone, as fast as i could, with few empty boxes in few pages. i decided to skip few rows just because. 

i mean, who would really check right? there were about 60-70 of participants and it was just training purpose. so, i handed it in and let it be. i really could not care less.

come the final day, which was today, the trainer decided to return us back the book. 

but, he made it interesting by calling out one by one and pointed out the issues.

few sent in with fewer than 100 names. they were called sort of lazy. they were sort of accused of bringing down the agency/ company and that they are not reliable etc. 

at that time, i was ready for my name to be called. cause, well, i did leave few boxes empty. 

but suprisingly, my name was not there.

the trainer then went on with those who managed to follow the instruction by giving 100 names, and 120 names and giving prizes etc. praising them for their effort and giving 100% in the project. 

then he pulled out a book and mentioned my name.

in front of the whole class.

he said that i filled in the whole book, but i cheated my way out.

i left many boxes empty, that he doubted i gave 100 at all. 

he said something like i cheat my way up. and that i was looking for an easy way out.

that it was dangerous that i was hitting the target but using the wrong way.

basically, it felt like he was summarizing my personality, based solely on a stupid task, in front of the whole room full of people. i was humiliated. i was embarrassed.

only god knows how i felt. like i wanted to go invisible. 

i wanted to explain on why i did it that way, but i decided he was not worth the fight. 

im afraid if i started it, i will be rude and created a tension. 

so i smiled and kept my head down.

i texted Sima and kept the tears away. 

when the session was over, i went to the car and cried. 

i decided to go home and defaulted the evening session.

lantakla if i was considered absent. honestly, i could not care less. 

i am not a minion.

when i could not follow the instruction, it simply means that i prioritize my things. 

for this particular task, and with what i had to go through the day and night before, that task was the least important of all. i rather attended my baby and sleep rather than filling up 100 names for a task. 

there is a reason why i do this on a part time basis. 

because i have other priority in my life. 

and this is the least important of all.

because my sick child is more important and i am more important.

what's the point of staying up late at night just to fill in that 100 boxes for names and telephone numbers when i was having migraine and risk of being sleepy and driving in sleepiness the next day?

really, worth it? no.

i do agree that i am at fault for not giving 100% as requested, but being mature adult, in a so called proffessional field, by all means, he could have called me one on one and ask me.

like an adult. 

not judging me in front of the whole room full of strangers.

i am not your minion, not the company's minion, not anybody's minion.

i can only be Allah's servant and that's it.

this really bugs me. it made me cry. it traumatized me.

i am so sad that we were taught this in this industry. 

i know not all trainers are like this, but still, it only gave this a bad impression.

he kept on saying that he was making it tough for us because this job is tough and the real world is even tougher. you see, i know that. i do. but, for me, who is doing this on a part time basis, with the intention of helping and educating people, rather than making sales, i can always to choose to walk away or back off it the world is putting shit on me. i can always choose. 

god, i am mad, and sad, and most of all embarrassed. 

i kept on playing the scene in my mind and what'if scenes too.

what if i say this, or that.

this is not worth it. 

i will now focus more on Lil' Tummy.

when you need to tegur someone for their mistakes, we must do it in discreet. because we do not want that person to be embarrassed, humiliated. 

does it hurt so much when one is being polite ot the other? 

The Worry Me

I think I am somewhere between too-tired-to-think-but-to-worry-to-stop-thinking zone.

 

I am overwhelmed with worries. 

worry on money and future.

My mind is constantly thinking of solutions and ideas and searching for the thing called passion.

You know, the Passion thingie that makes people thrive in life.

and I dont even know what mine is.

sure, I love baking and cooking and reading and shopping and creating stuffs, organizing stuffs and writing my thoughts out in my small humble blog.

but those are not profiteering passion aren't they?

i am so in awe of people who really made it in life doing what they love most.

inspiried by what they love, etc

and even more, when they are younger than me.

can u imagine my worry? or neurons synapsing in my brain?

they are so lucky to 'get that' in life early.

they are not afraid to put a start to it at a very young age.

and of course the capital issue.

whoa. they must be so lucky! 

i dont know whether it's my hormones or i am really2 worried.

I am now 5 and a half month pregnant.

with constant headache and body ache.

alhamdulillah, the sickness has gone off. 

but still.. the baby needs more oxygen to grow. 

that leaves me..breathless. migraine. body ache.

and with me keep thinking of what i need to do and so on does not help making me relax.

Ayra wants a bunk bed for her birthday.

well, she is supposed to share it with Amna, of course.

she wants a castle like deco to come with it.

Princess la definitely.

if I am still employed and with my handsome salary, i think i can manage it still.

but not like the one above. obviously the above is what she wanted.

who doesnt right/????

that is sooooooo lavish!

what we have in mind is much simpler, from Tomatokidz:

 

dont get me wrong, Hub is willing to spend it for them, 

but the worry me is thinking far ahead, like can he sustain us as a family when

 i no longer provide?

we must start saving from now. 

I have limitation in terms of money now.

not that i didnt experience limitations before, but at least it was not for too long. 

wait for next's month salary and Im back being good.

but then again, when u are not happy with what u r doing, then what is the point?

I can no longer bear working here. with them. with the bosses.

i am so relieved that I pulled it off.

I worth more than all these.

and with that comes the price.

I am now worrying on my financial status.

 

still, I did not regret making that decision.

i managed to secure an income after this, and that will be just enough to cover our house mortgage and insurance coverage etc. but i shall no longer freely shop and spend.

goodbye dream.

gosh. my handbag. the last one bought was Gucci. 

ok now i am being materialistic. 

so, realistically speaking, i may have to swallow the thought for quite a while.

I shall be content with what i have.

I can do this!!!

I have put away the greatest world desire to focus on what matters most in the world:

My Children, Family and Value to Life.

Pat on my shoulder.

but one side of me is sad for not being able to give my children whatever they want.

but looking at the positive side, one must not pamper the child too much right?

they must learn that things may not come easily in life and that we have to work for it.

we need to tell ourselves that. 

the parents are the one having hard time to swallow that part.

not the children i think.

hahhaha

 

pray that i finally gets it okay?

I know it will not be easy.. I just hope Allah will eventually show me His way and that I finally have the courage to take that 1st step.

I need to put the What Ifs away.

October's decision

1.10.2015

the day that i finally submitted the dreadful letter.

i have been praying, asking for guidance, for more than a year.

guidance from Him, to lead me to the path that will be good for me, my Islam, my family.

things were not going so well in the office.

politics. drama. impression. power

lately those are coming to the surface.

work is no longer fun.

i dont feel the barakah in it.

i feel..dissatisfaction. regret. 

i didnt know i would be happy to send it in.

even though i dont know what to do yet.

but,

i strongly believe that Allah's rezq is everywhere.

all we have to do, is to keep on searching and put on effort.

May Allah ease my way, our way.

Natural, Gentle, Pro Choice Birth

Homebirth, natural birth, gentle birth,hospital birth.

Many definitions to accompany each words. 

I'm sure u can google it up anytime anywhere. So i am not going to elaborate them here.

The aim is provide mothers with the choice of natural, spirit-uplifting birth. Choice to deliver the baby, in a safe, peaceful, reliable, condition. Of course we like that don't we?

Birth in hospital does not mean it is not natural, nor gentle.

And birthing at home does not mean it is gentle either, if the mother or father or the assistant does not have any medical professional knowledge. Without knowledge and expertise, danger is the correct word.
And stop comparing to those safely delivered in perkampungan orang asli. Their way of living itself is different. When making comparison, u have to have similar sets of condition. One cannot simply compare between an apple with a mango. or a bee with a fly. Or men vs women. 

Ultimately, despite our choice of baby delivery, our goal is.. to delivery the baby safely. 

I would like that. and im sure you too. 

We are mothers. Mothers are natural protectors. And provider.

We want the best for our child. Only the best. 2nd option is not in the dictionary. 

So, yes, i get your anxiety of providing the best. 

But, with what is happening in the gentle birth society nowadays, i am questioning, 

your anxiety to give the best to..whom?

I don't agree with some people condemning the non-gentleness of delivering in hospitals.

I, myself have given birth in the hospital- 2 times. In my case, it was private hospital. I did not choose governement simply because it is quite far from my home and i needed Hub to be in. 

I wanted to experience the birth with him, and i found my strength just with his presence. 

(of course, Allah gave me every strength that i had)

I am blessed with a wonderful experience (minus the excruciating pain), and i chose not to have epidural and the doctor respected that. I wanted to feel the pain (gila) so i could appreciate Allah's gifts better. But, the option of having is always open, just in case i bailed out. Thankfully I didnt!

But, are we right to condemn those who chose epidural because their fear of pain?

no.

Are we right to condemn those who prefer to go un-natural way?

no.

Pahala dihitung bukan based on the painkiller that you choose to take. Or the most natural method you choose for delivery of your baby. If the baby dies due to your negligence, then.. how? 

Back to the agenda carried our by these gentlebirth society, it's all about choices. 

So, should we condemn those who choose to take the opposite direction than ours?

if that's so, then that is not a Pro Choice after all.

To berserah to Allah, is of course of an obligation as a Muslim. 

But to talk about redha and tawakal without having to put any effort, is that right then?

And to choose this area of giving in, of all other aspects of life, isnt that a tad too..selfish?

We are playing with another life, from our womb. Allah's precous gift. 

I am pro natural. 

I dont like to waste.

I'm a pharmacist (by degree) but i hate taking meds. 

I'm not against herbs supplement, but please give me evidence based literature. 

I hate makeup. expect for lipbalm. i go organic for my babies. 

I like to recycle. or donate. Whichever fits in.

I hate MSG and my babies cannot consume them. at all.

I breastfeed them exclusively. 

I am starting to grow my own veges. (starting small, aiming big)

See. there are a lot of other natural ways of living naturally.

If you cannot even seggregate your own rubbish for the sake of the environment, please dont talk about natural birth.  (i still fail in this seggregation thingie)

My point is, having knowledge helps u in making a better decision for yourself or the people around you. I know the pros and cons of pitocin and epidural. And due to my understanding and judgement (as a pharmacy degree holder), I can refuse or follow the recommendations given by my doctor on that particular time. That particular time when anything is possible.

Because, at that time of delivery, as normal as you want it to be, but when Allah says Kun Fa Ya Kun, things will happens. It may be what we have expected, or the other way around.

I pity KKM's staff who are tormented, ridiculed. They are treated like the bad guys, when all they want to do is to educate and save lives. If they are in it for the money, they would not be there.

But then again, benda yang baik memang banyak cabarannya.

Precautions. 

Look at your baby's bathtub. underneath it (Ikea's), it written it multiple languages on Precaution. the danger of the tub, etc. It is a reminder that is placed to parents,in case they forgot. 

Humans are forgetful, are we not?

I like to take precautions in whatever i do.

When i wanted to quit my goverment job, i calculated the risk. Do the math.

When i wanted to go Pro breastfeed and breastmilk, I read a lot and a lot. I dont read from Shaklees' milk booster pages or testimonies from yada yada. but i read a lot of journals. Those with studies and statistcis. We have to remember, people will say whatever they wanna say. Esepcially when one can be benefited from something. No one works for free. This is the reality. 

So, get your sources right.  If you have doubts, ask from the expertise.

Go to ilmiah readings. Books. journals. Look at the writer. Are they working for someone, somewhere?

When i was choosing the hospital for the birth of my babies, I read and read a lot on interventions, preferences, safety, distance, expertise, etc. 

I do not choose blindly, or just because.

I needed to understand the policy of the hospitals and the doctor's preferences. 

You can listen to people's comments, but go back and study. Study from reliable sources. 

And more importantly, non-bias.

If you are contemplating between a Honda or a Toyota, or a Tomee Tippee vx Avent, look at unbias resources. Takkan you tanya Toyota mana lagi bagus? jawapan of course Toyota. ;) t

Look for trusted unbias, reliable sources. Those with facts and statistics. 

Words are cheap.

havent' u heard of Marketing?

How do i do this

She is fine and happy.
As usual.

It's me who is not fine.

I have headaches and migraine.
Im afraid my bp is going up from all the stress. Her health. Works. Datelines.

I cannot stop thinking and analyzing. And the 'what if' of 1001 possibilities.

Whenever i look at her, im..at peace.
When i start to think, i get emotional.

I dont want to have fun without her,without them.
I feel guilty if i do. As if im not doing a good job as a mom. U know, mom should worry alot. As if i dont yet.huh

Work can take my mind off the anxiety but when the org ats is asking too much out of me, i get all fed up. Like i want to stop everything and just be with them. The children of cos.

Sometimes i wish i can be stay at home mom. But..am i fit for that? It is a tough job. Tougher than doing what im doing.

I dont know how to contain my thoughts. And anxiety.

I am.... Uncontrolled. My thoughts are scattered and shattered.

my so-called azam

so it is the new year of 2015. 

look at the time.

as if i just gave birth to Amna and suddenly she's One.

2014 was not a good to Malaysia, in general.

to me, 2014 has been.. a mixture of feelings.

basically, reminiscing the year of 2014:

work:

work has been stressful with corporate world that i am not accustomed to,

 and all the ups and downs and the blacks and blues.

i had a roller coaster ride in my work life and somehow rather, i think i grew as a person, as a leader.

Allah has His plans ready, and yes, i fell, but i got up and move on and believe in what He has planned. it was difficult, but i did my best in the best way i could and rely only to Him.

alhamdulillah, ending of 2014 did show the fruit of the effort. 

but, great titles and salaries and whatnot comes with a great responsibility. 

nothing is free ait?

so, as stressful as it may seem, or sound, i just need to do the best with all capabilities i have.

but, Family always comes first.

family:

2014 has been a blessed as He has given me Amna.

my cheecky girl Amna..

i have never spent a night apart from her.

as much as i am tired and cranky from all her clinginess, i still miss her every second.

Ayra has been such a goooood girl.

and a very smart girl too.

i am amazed by what she can do, of the things she say, and how her mind works,.

children is magical.

hahahhaa

she is only 3 but she amazes us in lots and lots of ways.

so, with this 2015 in, i need to have some resolutions in hand.

(whether i can accomplish it or not if a different story)

1. Gosh i wish i could say i want to jog every morning, or at tleast once  aweek. but, let's be real. 

i give myself once a month. (and that seems ambitious too!)

2. to work smart, not only hard. i need to step to my role in my company. 

at least, i do the best. there is no try, but do my best.

3. not to miss Dhuha. so far, i only managed to perform Dhuha during weekdays. 

need to do it Daily!!!

4. perform more tahajud than before. at least once a week. and to step up to twice. 

5. travel over the sea. i need to travel!!!! even doe the scare with airplane and all, i still want to travel. my mind needs to explore other culture. hahaha. 

6. i need a bag. new bag. i didnt buy a new bag last year. only a purse. 

(no, that does not count as a bag.)

 

7.  to be more patient in dealing with human beings. hahahaahha especially little people, with exploring minds and creativities. (a.k.a my children)

 

8. to set a  good example as a leader. not only to my staffs but my children.

 

9. to understand quran more. let's make it doable by targetting Surah al-Furqan first shall we? then we'll revisit this resolution again.

 

10. To rekindle or shall we say, romanticise the bond between me and Hub. having children and work can be tiring and take off our precious moments together. we need to start dating and enjoying each other's company again. ;)

ok, so 10 is enough. that's a big plate on its own.

hopefully i can do these!!!